


Rokurou Rangestu, Flat Earth Theorist

by phalarope (mniotilta)



Category: Tales of Berseria
Genre: Chaos Emeralds, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 12:58:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12190425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mniotilta/pseuds/phalarope
Summary: Rokurou tries to convince everyone that the earth is flat, but his friends have ideas of their own.





	Rokurou Rangestu, Flat Earth Theorist

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to yboiveth yet again for replying seriously when i said "i just imagined rokurou as a flat earth theorist" and helping develop this au with me while i finished watching berseria. they are the real MVP of this fic and i suggest you go read some of their fine works. 
> 
> i finally was in the mood to write it today enjoy.
> 
> SPOILERS FOR THE END OF THE GAME KIND OF???

Rokurou Rangetsu was chilling on the Van Eltia, smiling wide and looking out over the water. This journey had taken him to so many lands and many people and he felt like had learned so much! He was happy and he couldn’t wait to see what other things he would discover about the world. Gee, he wondered what his friends were up to! he ignored Magilou who was doing power squats with Velvet on the boww of the ship to search for his other friends. He walked into wherever the fuck they plan stuff. the planning room? yeah that sounds good.  
  
He walked into the room with the same pace as a mall walker and he waved at Laphicet and Eizen, who were crowded around a map of the known world, discussing, deep in thought. Laphicet waved. Eizen did not, but that is jsut how he was.  
  
"hiy guys what are yo udoung?" said rokuoru crantetgetsu

"we are triyn got figure out how to get over here" laphicet said, "and we're thinking of going this way and discussing the pros nad cons." he drew a line with his figner to show that he was talking about sailing off the edge of the map, and appearing on the opposing side.  
  
"well that's just not possible" said rokurou.  
  
"why?" said eizen  
  
"WELL because the aerth is flat of course!" he smiled again, putting his hadns on his hips proudly. "you can't sail from one corner to the other like that! the world just, ends, dude."  
  
"what." said both blonde boys  
  
"what do you mean, what?" said roarkokro.  
  
"the earth... it isnt' flat" said laphicaet. "you know that right?"  
  
Rokruou blinked. he ha dalwaysbeen taought in the Rangetso skool of LEARNING that the earth was flat! this was news to him. "no, what you mean. of course the earth is flat. the map ends. there's nothing after that!"  
  
Eizen shook his head. he could not beleive that rokurou believed the earth is flat. "that's ridiculous. i have been a pirate for a long time and i have sailed around the world, and i can tell you, for sure, rokurou, that the earth is NOT FLAT. it is just as laphicet says. you can sail around the corners of the map and get to the other side."  
  
this was BLOWING rokurous mind into tiny little bits. of COURSE the earth was flat. there was no possible way this was true! blond people always lie!  
  
Rokurou got angry and wasn't sure how to express himself in words so he threw a chair across the room and screamed.  
  
"listen rookuru, said laphicet, let me explain to you how this works! once you understand, you can easily understand how maps work and how the world is actually round.  
  
"Wait. Round?" said eizen, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Eizen looked very frustrated. "Laphicet. Don't be foolish. The world isn't round."  
  
Rokurou stopped streaming (he was streaming overwatch i guess genji 2.0 dark genji). he calmed himself. "see laphicet! i told you!"  
  
Eizen held out his hands in protest. "NO" he boomed. "you are both wrong. the world isn't flat, nor is it round."  
  
"then... what is it then"  
  
eizen folded his arms and smiled knowingly. "the world, kiddos, is a cube, obviously.  
  
"what the actual fuck eizen" said laphicet. he couldn't believe a man this old could be this ill-informed. the abbey had debunked the cube earth theory 30 years ago.  
  
"wHO LET THE SMALL CHILD SAY FUCK" shouted velvet as she skateboarded into the room, grinding across the table and doing a kickflip. she was rad, and angry.  
  
"sorry @velvet" said laphceit. "but they don't understand how the world works."  
  
"No, look, see here," eizen said, folding the map over his beefy arms and attempting to fold it into a perfect cube. "you don't NOTICE that you've changed to a different dimensional side, but you do! it's a common misunderstanding that the world is round, but is actually a coverup from the abbey."  
  
"really?" laphicet looked quizzical, thinking. "i guess maybe that's possible."  
  
"of course it is not."  
  
"eleneor?"  
  
Elenemor was hanging from the ceiling like a bat because she was pretending to be a vampire. she dropped down and popped fake plastic teeth out of her mouth so she could speak better. she cleared her throat.  
  
"it is true that there is misinformation spread among the abbey to keep the citizens in line, since if they learned the truth about how the world is shaped it would be difficult to understand."  
  
"this is bullshit," said eizen, who had managed to create his map cube. magilou snuck up behind him all >:3a nyaa and stole it from him, replasing it with a snub cube. go look that up on wikipedia id you don't know what teh fuck athat is so you can visiualize this properly. the fic won't work properly unless you do. all hail the snub cube.  
  
"the world is human shaped! yes! this is what we discovered!" elenor was proud of knowledge that she did not come up with nor did she really understand the science of how it worked but in her heart she knew that the abbey was right.  
  
"the earth is FLAT"  rokurou threw another chair. "HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN MAPS THEN? THEY ARE FLAT? WHERE ARE OUR ROUND, CUBE, AND HUMAN SHAPED MAPS??"  
  
"have you ever seen a globe, you dumbass motherfucker!?!?" yelled laphicet  
  
"jonathan, inside voice please."  
  
"sorry velvet."  
  
"and i have a cube earth right here!" eizen held up the snub cube. he realized it was not his map cube and he started crying. his eyeliner ran down his face in sharp rivers. he laid down on the floor, put headphones on, and shuffled through his ipod shuffle until mad world came on.  
  
"i-i do not posesss-- hold on wow holy shit authors note here one of my doves just molted a tail feather but he launched it over the room good job precious warhammer i guess? it was pretty rad anyway-- a human earth model, only the high ranking people in the babby i forget what they are called may have a human earth model, i am not strong enough in my stats to have one."  
  
velvet started laughing in the corner.  
  
"what"  
  
"you are all so silly" she shook her head. "you know how the earth is shaped? it's a mobius strip shaped earth."  
  
"HAH!" roKUROU became very excited. "THEN I WIN, BECAUSE YOU CAN MAKE A MOBIUS STRIP OUT OF A FLAT PIECE OF PAPER, SO CLEARLY MOBIUS EARTH, IF THAT REALLY DOES EXIST, IS ACTUALLY JUST A MORPHED VERSIOU OF THE FLAT EARTH THEORY." he coughed, and calmed himself a bit. "actually, all your earth theories can be flat earth theories, because you can fold a flat piece of anthing into all sorts of shapes, so clearly, origianlly, all your world ideas cannot exist without the original, one, true, flat earth."  
  
"do you understand the concept of folding????" yelled eizen, breaking the snub cube in two. his eyeliner made him look like a dramatic cheetah with overgrown hair. "IF YOU FOLD SOMETHING, IT BECOMES A DIFFERENT THING, IT IS NO LONGER FLAT."  
  
"BUT YOU CAN RETURN IT TO IT'S FLAT FORM BY UNFOLDING IT, SO IT IS STILL FLAT."  
  
"that is NOT how it works guys!"  
  
"laphicet is right. it is impossible. you cannot fold anything into a person."  
  
they were all seconds away from having a super smash brothers level brawl, when they heard magilou cackling from the ceiling. tehy looked up, and she was in the rafters, spinning the map cube that eizen had made like a basketball, which she dropped.  
  
"you are like little baby." she said, jumping down and landing on the table. "watch this. the earth is klein bottle shaped." she used magic to conjure up an image  
  
  
  
"What the fuck is that" said velvet.  
  
"it's the earth's true shape."  
  
"it's not."  
  
"it is"  
  
"it's not"  
  
"IT IS"  
  
"IT IS NOT"  
  
then they all super smash brother brawled for real and ended up making the ship nearly sink into the ocean, but they put their feued aside nuntlil they got into a port.  
  
the realized they were fighting over something silly. yes, it was ridiculous, all the feelings and beliefs they feel about the earhts shape. but in order to deafeat the artuhr man, they must work together, and put their differences in race, gender, age, and earth shape theories aside in order to fufil their mission.  


* * *

"BAD MAN" SHOUTED VELVET, POINTING AT THE FINAL BOSS, BECAUSE IDK HOW TO SPELL ATRTORIS'S NAME AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT CORRECTLY RIGHT NOW. "WE WILL DEFEAT YOU, AND YOUR RIDICULOUS THEORY"  
  
"the truth is, with reason, that none of your theories are correct. only i hold the true theory." he said, with logic and intelligence, which meant he was dumb as fuck because you can be logical and intelligent and also be a dumbfuck, case and point, the author points to themselves.  
  
"NO MORE EARTH SHAPE TEHORIES THERE ARE TOO MANY AS IT IS. WE WILL DEFEAT YOU, AND USE TEH POWER OF THE CHAOS EMERALDS TO DISCOVER THE TRUE SHAPE OF EVERYTHING BY GOING INTO SPACE AND SEEING IT FROM AFAR!!!  
  
velvet punched the final boss so hard that they won. the party all patted each other on the back and closed their eyes to absorb the power of the chaos emeralds into their body. crush 40 played a song from sonic adventure 2 battle. they all got metallic and cool colored, and they all floated into space.  
  
"Guys, whoever is right, just let me tell you that we'll all still be friends forever!" said laphicet. they all smiled. it was true. together, they were stronger than this.  
  
they floated peacefully amongst the stars, closing their eyes. three minutes later, they opened them, and gasped.  
  
the world was so beautiful  
  
so serene  
  
so.... magical...  
  
but....  
  
they were all wrong.  
  
all so wrong.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
  


  
the earth was shaped like a cop.

 


End file.
